Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Still dying that you shit outside
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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