his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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