trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
