Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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