my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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