I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
