I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
