I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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