We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Randomize
