Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
