R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
