2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
