Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
