he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
