Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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