im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
