I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
