my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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