I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
