Tell her she can't have a vagina
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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