Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
