I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
