What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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