i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize