I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
