Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
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