i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
