All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize