i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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