im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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