It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
