We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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