If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
