for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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