Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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