she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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