Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize