I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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