Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Randomize
