he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
The best revenge is premature balding
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
