Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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