I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I just want to make out with him forever
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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