Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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