Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
