I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
