Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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