How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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