it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
