Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
