It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
