I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
