that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize