Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
