i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
