Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
